you may spank it… once still remains the funniest image ever created on this bitch of an earth
like how do u top this in terms of pure comedic value. donkey kong’s ass. the suspense. the mere implication that donkey kong nasty. him looking out to sea like he’s making the hardest decision of his life. its so fucking good
when I was a kid you had to do the charlie the unicorn voice whether you liked it or not. you had to say candy mountain charlieeee in the voice. not like these days
Just imagine though all the letters that must have been sent home about the shit Hermione did at school or updates the school sends to muggle parents so they’re kept in the know. And she’s never been in trouble before so her parents think this is just regular wizarding school hijinks because it obviously never has context for them and Hermione just rolls with it
“She saved the philosophers stone.”
“Oh good for her! She must have gotten there before everyone else in class”
“People must get petrified all the time. It says not to worry though so it can’t be a serious illness”
“It says they’re obliged to inform us that ‘dementors’ will be at the school all year.”
“That sounds exciting, I wonder what subject they’ll be teaching?”
“She’s been selected to participate in the second triwizard tournament task.”
“Yes we had a letter about the tournament, she must really be getting stuck in with it and making all sorts of foreign connections.”
“Says she was part of a secret defence club?”
“Oh I’m so glad she’s finally getting involved in the clubs, it’ll be good for her, you know she studies too much”
“I wonder why we didn’t get any updates from the school this year? They always seem to have something going on.”
“I’ve been thinking you know, about moving to Australia. We did always want to.”
“I don’t know what’s been stopping us all these years to be honest. Let’s do it.”
we opened at 11 this morning. i watched an old man literally pry the fucking sliding doors open at 10:43 and stand there just staring into the empty store and my coworker & i were like sir. for the love of fuck
I worked in a restaurant for while and a woman climbed past an A board sign, ignored the sign on a the door saying the opening times and trotted on in. When told we were not open she asked why the door was unlocked. My manager explained that it has to be unlocked when people are in the building to comply with fire regulations. Which lead to my favourite exchange with a customer: Woman: But there are no people in here. Manager: Madam. The staff count as people. Woman: That’s ridiculous. *Storms out*
my dad took me to see sharkboy and lavagirl when it came out and it was my first 3D movie and i was so amazed. when i got home i said “dad i wanna draw 3D pictures!” and he laughed in that parent way that means “haha okay you do that kid. you can’t really do that but okay.”
i came back half an hour later with drawings i had traced over slightly offset with red marker, then offset in the other direction with blue and gave him the 3D glasses “daddy look i did it!” “…well. you did. you sure did.” which translates to “how the fuc k”
I want the cliche kisses in photo booths. And the candid photos of me when I’m not looking. I want the week long road trips with the windows down and my feet up on the dash. I want hands clenched tight when we’re intimate. I want shared showers the morning after. I want breakfast in nothing but oversized t-shirts. I want tv show marathons with extra buttery popcorn and makeout breaks during commercials. I want “I love you"s and “you’re beautiful"s and my name blended in curse words while you moan. I want time and promise and happiness and intimacy.
